17 October 2011

Half Plus One

Half plus one
Years have past
Since heaven
Became your home.
Time's moved
Hastily forward,
My dragging feet
Not willing to let
Time take you away.
"Stay still!"
Tomorrow is too far away
From you.
I often turn
To look again
At a child
That looks your age.
Walking, playing
Trying new words
I wonder if heaven's
Time's the same?

To my little girl
always in my heart.
Forever grateful for the gift of you
and the difference you have made.

(First verse & chorus dedicated to our little girl)

"Who can speak and have it
if the Lord has not decreed it?
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High
that both calamities and
good things come?"
Lamentataions 3:38

04 August 2011

Beyond the Veil

"for now we see in a mirror dimly and know only in part what, later, we will fully know." (1 Cor 13:12)

"In this hard world, there is disappointment and there is death and there is dark and
 is it all only hard when we are fooled into thinking this world is the only world we will ever get?"
"When He busted back that rock, He said there's another chapter to this story, so you can trust today's plot line and there's forever beyond now, so you can give thanks for right here, and for every dream seed we lay in the grave now, we are getting Jesus and new life and He promised there won't be tears."

(Ann Voskamp - blog 'A Holy Experience")

Beyond the Veil
there are two little girls running through fields
collecting meadow flowers,
Beauty surrounds them as laughter and chatter resound,
the two of them the closest of friends.

cared for by angels, held by Jesus, loved by family,
two little girls play happily, friends abound.
voices of joy, squeals of delight as little
feet splash in crystal streams.

two little girls are with angels standing, praising
Jesus with their voices sweet.
hearts full of love for their Creator Saviour,
perfect are their lives beyond the veil.

"Faith never knows where it is being led,
But it knows and loves the One who is leading."
Oswald Chambers

AUGUST 4 2011

31 July 2011


"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen
is eternal."

2 Corinthians 4:18

08 July 2011

Her Father's Joy and Her Mother's Hope

My heart hurts raw
Pain runs deep within
Not so old wounds
Reopen... my heart cries -

Where are you?
Why couldn't you stay?
I'm empty, wishing
I was 'full' of you.

August 4 2011 should have been
A date of expectancy
Of pain, then pure joy
Now... an ordinary day

Where are you?
Why didn't you stay?
My baby, the salve
For my broken heart

On August 4 2011
I will nurse my aching heart
Folding my arms in emptiness
Wishing you were here with me

My heart hurts raw
Pain runs deep within
My heart cries - into eternity
"You are deeply loved."

A poem of deep lament for my second baby lost, who was due to be born on August 4.
Abigail means:- Father's joy

08 May 2011

Mother's Day

eight years
three daughters
breakfast in bed
Mother's Day
                                                     two sons
five children

Remembering my babies this Mother's Day and always...

14 April 2011

Happy Birthday to You!

Charlotte Rose
14/04/2010 - 14/04/2011

We wish that we could celebrate your birthday with you today darling girl.
May the courts of heaven be filled with celebration and song as we
remember the precious girl who entered it's gates one year ago today.

Charlotte, may you be filled with unending joy,
perfect peace and abundant love,
 as you bask in the richness of Glory,
enjoying life as it was intended to be.

"He is able to bring life out of death and hope out of grief."
Shaming the Strong - Angie Smith

We thank God for you my darling
Our girl for all of time.
We're so grateful for the life He gave
We'll cherish it for a lifetime.

"Happy birthday to you..."
Sweetheart, we will forever love you, cherish you and remember you.
- Happy 1st birthday -

14 March 2011

11 months

Remembering my beautiful baby girl who was born 11 months ago today  
My heart longs for you ~

 Praise God
The victory over death is won.
 Jesus has 'Overcome'!

I Will Rise
Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagle's wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

Link to song's video clip:


26 February 2011

A Day of Rememberance

 24th February 2011

We attended 'The Interment of Ashes Service'
at King Edward Memorial Hospital,
for the internment of the ashes of stillborn babies
lost during the past month.

'Life and every single breath is in Your hands.' Job 12:10

Today we remembered
 Our third daughter, our second child lost

A prayer read at the service -

Dear God
"We pray for strength and peace for each other and ourselves gathered here. Sustain us in the times of unending tears, pain and struggle;
the times of emptiness and longing, times of not being in control,
of not being understood by family, friends and times of searching.

We gives thanks for the anticipation and promise of life that we held
for a short time, for those who walk the journey of grief with us;
for each time of remembering.

Fill us with hope in the times of letting go and reaching out to embrace each new day. As we recall the gifts our babies left us, we thank you for the difference they have made in our lives." Amen

A day of paradox
Our son Caleb was born here at KEMH three years ago today.
Three years later to the day, we intern the ashes of our daughter lost January 25, 2011

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than Your ways
and My thoughts higher than Your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Therefore I will choose to trust You.

14 February 2011

10 Months

Out of these ashes...

Beauty will rise

"Shattered dreams are never random.
They are always a piece in a larger puzzle,
a chapter in a larger story." -Larry Crabb

My little girl
10 months ago
*You entered our world
*It was your birthday
* I saw you and held you
*You lay in the arms of your family
*We said hello and goodbye
*Heaven became your home
*My heart broke and
*My world changed
I lost my little girl

"The Lord watch between me and thee
while we are absent one from another."
Gen 31:49

13 February 2011

My New Normal

27/01/11 - The day after I came out of hospital -  
                 How was I going do 'normal everyday life' when I felt far from 'normal'?

I was learning to live in the world again,
People more comfortable around me.
My voice, my words, lost their gloom,
I held back the pain of my loss.

What are people going to do with me now?
Again my heart is battered and bruised.
Scars that have not yet healed, reopen -
Releasing tears, sadness and pain.

What do I say? How do I act?
How long will the awkwardness stay?
Nine months, another loss, a total of three,
What will they to do with me now?

My reality is heartache and loss,
Deep pain - old mixed with new.
In a world uncomfortable with sadness and grief,
How do I fit in it now?

"Words failed me. At times I was utterly speechless - everything was meaningless. I felt separation from the cares of this world, a sort of detachment. They no longer held me or interested me. I had looked death in the face, what else was important? People wanted to talk about everyday things, shopping, travel. How could I relate when we were in completely different worlds? I didn't feel a part of their world. My baby had died and nothing else mattered."
Grief and Grace - Amanda Axelby

07 February 2011

Three Months!

24th January 2011 - the day of the 12 week ultrasound for our new baby
                                who was due 04/08/11.

The time has finally come at last -
To share our joyful news.
To see pictures of our little one...
Proof of health, life and hope.

We know that news isn't always good,
The first look revealed the first sign -
No....  something is horribly wrong!
"Sorry, no heart beat can be found."

No!! Not again, not like before!
All joy and anticipation vanish.
Heaven claims another child I wanted with me.
Why did it have to go wrong?

Yesterday I was pregnant and expecting good news -
Today - no baby, no due date, it's finished.
From joyful expectation to sadness and grief.
What do I say and do now?

I will share my sad news, let my baby be known,
A child of mine, wanted and loved.
Not seen or known by anyone in this world,
But known and loved in heaven above.

You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say,
"Lord, blessed be Your Name."
                                     (M Redman)

Until we meet again little one...
Love always xxx

06 February 2011

Another Loss

In  loving memory of our 5th baby.
Lost at 12 weeks.

~ January 25, 2011~

At Mullaloo Beach

".... in the midst of life's shattering moments
the Holy Spirit can bring us stability
in the presence of the One who alone is able to
calm our fears and address our questions with Himself
 - the ultimate and only adequate Answer."

Blessed Be Your Name - Matt & Beth Redman

23 January 2011

The Bubble Breaks

And when the darkness closes in, Lord,
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious Name.

 M&B Redman 2002

The Reality of Grief with the Hope of Glory...

"At some time, we will go through overwhelming and staggering events that will seem to shatter our life's horizon. These events come like lightning bolts - unpredictable and blinding - only to be inescapably followed by rolling thunder of whatever aftermath the unwelcome eventuality brings." Blessed be Your Name - M&B Redman

April 28th... the bubble breaks.
The blanket of shock that had enfolded me for the 2 weeks since Charlotte's birth, that had allowed me to prepare for and walk through the day of the funeral - was suddenly ripped away.
The full force of grief assailed me - the extent of it was unexpected, the intensity - profound. My heart felt physically torn, I was overwhelmed with sorrow.

I have two distinct memories of that day-
I remember sitting on the lower part of our staircase, looking through the window, waiting and willing for Grant to return home from our neighbours house. I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. While I was waiting, I received a message from a friend who asked me how I was doing. I remember telling her about the pain, how the intensity of it had unexpectedly increased.

This day was unexpected, yet understandable. Until this day, I had not realised that I had been living in shock. I had wondered how I had managed to get through those two weeks, now I understood.
Shock had been a blessing from God, an anaesthetic to help me get through the unspeakable trauma of losing and burying a child. Now, I was free to grieve and let the grief wash over me like a giant wave. I grieved the loss of a baby daughter, a future with her, having her as part of our family, holding her, watching her grow, knowing her...

The 28th was an unwelcomed day... but necessary... part of the journey.

 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned."
Isaiah 43:2

14 January 2011

Nine Months in Glory

14th April 2010 - 14th January 2011

Time will not erase our love
Or diminish our memory of you.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

~Helen Lemmel~

09 January 2011

Your First Christmas

Charlotte's in her
Heavenly home,
Rejoicing forever
In her
Saviour's birth. Giving
Timeless, everlasting praise to the
Messiah - with
Angels singing to
Son of the Living God

Our Rememberance Table

I believe in the sun
Even when its not shining.
I believe in love
Even when I feel it not.
I believe in God
Even when He is silent.
Written by a Nazi concentration camp prisoner

I believe Charlotte is alive
Even though she wasn't breathing.
I believe she is filled with unimaginable joy
Even though I am not with her.
I believe I will see her again
Even though she lay quiet and still.

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