23 January 2011

The Bubble Breaks

And when the darkness closes in, Lord,
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious Name.

 M&B Redman 2002

The Reality of Grief with the Hope of Glory...

"At some time, we will go through overwhelming and staggering events that will seem to shatter our life's horizon. These events come like lightning bolts - unpredictable and blinding - only to be inescapably followed by rolling thunder of whatever aftermath the unwelcome eventuality brings." Blessed be Your Name - M&B Redman

April 28th... the bubble breaks.
The blanket of shock that had enfolded me for the 2 weeks since Charlotte's birth, that had allowed me to prepare for and walk through the day of the funeral - was suddenly ripped away.
The full force of grief assailed me - the extent of it was unexpected, the intensity - profound. My heart felt physically torn, I was overwhelmed with sorrow.

I have two distinct memories of that day-
I remember sitting on the lower part of our staircase, looking through the window, waiting and willing for Grant to return home from our neighbours house. I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. While I was waiting, I received a message from a friend who asked me how I was doing. I remember telling her about the pain, how the intensity of it had unexpectedly increased.

This day was unexpected, yet understandable. Until this day, I had not realised that I had been living in shock. I had wondered how I had managed to get through those two weeks, now I understood.
Shock had been a blessing from God, an anaesthetic to help me get through the unspeakable trauma of losing and burying a child. Now, I was free to grieve and let the grief wash over me like a giant wave. I grieved the loss of a baby daughter, a future with her, having her as part of our family, holding her, watching her grow, knowing her...

The 28th was an unwelcomed day... but necessary... part of the journey.

 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned."
Isaiah 43:2


OhlsonFamily said...

A powerful day, a beautiful day, a difficult day a day as you say that was necessary. A day that will not be forgotten. I'm so thankful for the evidence of how God held you and carried you and equipped you to walk through the initial time of loss with the shock and the numbness that allowed you to do things to create memories and cherish your Charlotte. Now, I'm so thankful that He continues to hold you and carry you and encourage you to keep sharing your journey with us ... it is a wonderful honor to Charlotte. Loving you.

Anonymous said...

What a tremendously hard day for you, yet your strength always shines through. Love you Julie, Beth

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