13 February 2011

My New Normal

27/01/11 - The day after I came out of hospital -  
                 How was I going do 'normal everyday life' when I felt far from 'normal'?

I was learning to live in the world again,
People more comfortable around me.
My voice, my words, lost their gloom,
I held back the pain of my loss.

What are people going to do with me now?
Again my heart is battered and bruised.
Scars that have not yet healed, reopen -
Releasing tears, sadness and pain.

What do I say? How do I act?
How long will the awkwardness stay?
Nine months, another loss, a total of three,
What will they to do with me now?

My reality is heartache and loss,
Deep pain - old mixed with new.
In a world uncomfortable with sadness and grief,
How do I fit in it now?

"Words failed me. At times I was utterly speechless - everything was meaningless. I felt separation from the cares of this world, a sort of detachment. They no longer held me or interested me. I had looked death in the face, what else was important? People wanted to talk about everyday things, shopping, travel. How could I relate when we were in completely different worlds? I didn't feel a part of their world. My baby had died and nothing else mattered."
Grief and Grace - Amanda Axelby


New Year Mum said...

So sorry to hear about your loss.... it's such an isolating and heart-renching experience - your poem captures that feeling so clearly. Thinking of you and sending you love and wishes. We're all in this together and we all fit in with each other xoxo

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