23 January 2011

The Bubble Breaks

And when the darkness closes in, Lord,
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord,
Blessed be Your glorious Name.

 M&B Redman 2002

The Reality of Grief with the Hope of Glory...

"At some time, we will go through overwhelming and staggering events that will seem to shatter our life's horizon. These events come like lightning bolts - unpredictable and blinding - only to be inescapably followed by rolling thunder of whatever aftermath the unwelcome eventuality brings." Blessed be Your Name - M&B Redman

April 28th... the bubble breaks.
The blanket of shock that had enfolded me for the 2 weeks since Charlotte's birth, that had allowed me to prepare for and walk through the day of the funeral - was suddenly ripped away.
The full force of grief assailed me - the extent of it was unexpected, the intensity - profound. My heart felt physically torn, I was overwhelmed with sorrow.

I have two distinct memories of that day-
I remember sitting on the lower part of our staircase, looking through the window, waiting and willing for Grant to return home from our neighbours house. I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. While I was waiting, I received a message from a friend who asked me how I was doing. I remember telling her about the pain, how the intensity of it had unexpectedly increased.

This day was unexpected, yet understandable. Until this day, I had not realised that I had been living in shock. I had wondered how I had managed to get through those two weeks, now I understood.
Shock had been a blessing from God, an anaesthetic to help me get through the unspeakable trauma of losing and burying a child. Now, I was free to grieve and let the grief wash over me like a giant wave. I grieved the loss of a baby daughter, a future with her, having her as part of our family, holding her, watching her grow, knowing her...

The 28th was an unwelcomed day... but necessary... part of the journey.

 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned."
Isaiah 43:2

14 January 2011

Nine Months in Glory

14th April 2010 - 14th January 2011

Time will not erase our love
Or diminish our memory of you.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things on earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

~Helen Lemmel~

09 January 2011

Your First Christmas

Charlotte's in her
Heavenly home,
Rejoicing forever
In her
Saviour's birth. Giving
Timeless, everlasting praise to the
Messiah - with
Angels singing to
Son of the Living God

Our Rememberance Table

I believe in the sun
Even when its not shining.
I believe in love
Even when I feel it not.
I believe in God
Even when He is silent.
Written by a Nazi concentration camp prisoner

I believe Charlotte is alive
Even though she wasn't breathing.
I believe she is filled with unimaginable joy
Even though I am not with her.
I believe I will see her again
Even though she lay quiet and still.

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