12 July 2010

'She's Gone'

"Nothing touches me that has not passed through the hands of my Heavenly Father.
Nothing. Whatever occurs, God has sovereignly surveyed and approved.
We may not know why, but we do know our pain is no accident to Him who guides our lives."

Public Holiday - Mon April 12
"I don't think I felt the baby move today," I thought to myself as I hopped into bed that night. It wasn't unusual for me to feel the baby move only a couple of times a day,
as she was so small. I poked and prodded my belly until I finally felt her move - but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right...

Tues April 13
I arrived at the hospital the next morning for my regular blood pressure assessment.
Once I was in a cubicle, I asked the midwife if she could check the baby's
heart beat. The doppler picked up a slow beat of 70+. My heart sank, I was right...
there was something to be concerned about.
The midwives took me to a small room where they continued to check the heart beat
and my Dr was called. "Let's take a look on the ultrasound before we jump to any
conclusions," my Dr said as he came into the room. "I already have," I quietly replied.
After a brief moment, the Dr turned off the monitor and held my hand.

"She's gone..."

I knew it was bad but........... NO not this! "I wanted to meet her," was all I could think about and say.
She's gone.... my baby had died....and so had the hopes that I had held for my baby's life and for my pregnancy... it was all gone... just like that!
Even though I had witnessed the gradual decline of my baby's health and had been told that she would not live much longer - I wasn't prepared for actually losing her.
I was in a state of shock...
The heartbeat that the midwives had detected was mine. I rang Grant and asked him to come back to the hospital early. I didn't wait for my blood test results - I couldn't sit in that tiny room alone any longer, knowing what I knew.
On my way out, I found a midwife and simply said, "My baby has died and I just have to go..."

"My whole being felt numb, as though the blood had stopped circulating. I could not function, and like with a limb that has had its blood flow restricted, the recommencement of circulation is a slow and painful process. Some researchers believe a mother grieves mainly because she has bonded deeply with her baby throughout the nine months of the pregnancy... Others believe a mother is deeply affected because she sees the baby as an extension of herself, a part of her very being. So when the baby dies it is akin to a limb being amputated; part of her body missing, and the resulting loss that comes with it causes great sorrow and major adjustments."
Grief and Grace - A. Axelby


OhlsonFamily said...

Oh Julie, my heart aches and tears flow ... I was praying with you for 'time' even if just moments for you to spend with your precious girl, feeling her chest rise and fall as she breathed life, hearing her little noises and perhaps even look into her eyes and get a glimpse of her soul, her heart. I'm so so sorry that it became a prayer that was not answered in the way we wanted. The pain. Loving you from across the miles. Nay.

Jenny Tonkin said...

Julie, Julie, Julie I cannot imagine hearing the words, "She's gone." What shock,devastation and intense pain.I was also praying that you would have some time with Charlotte....why that did not happen we do not Know. Amputation of a limb perfectly describes how you would feel. My dear friend, I'm sharing your pain. Jenni xx

Sarah said...

oh my Julie.....I cannot stop the tears.

I have never cried the way I did the day we found out the boys had 'gone'. But I too- knew.
I remember telling Nay only days before that I hadn't felt them move as much....but I tried to tell myself it was probably just fluid build up again- and somehow they'd be ok. The wait for the ultrasound that day was agony. And the minute my OB started the scan- she stopped, she frowned, she held her head. And I knew. And I will never, ever forget how absolutely horrendous that moment was, realising my chances of seeing my special little men alive- was gone.
The only miracle to follow that day- was that we survived it.

oh my friend- my throat hurts because my heart is aching so- for you- and for me. I so wish things were different. Love to to the moon and back xx

Anonymous said...

Tears....and love for you my friend, Beth

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