10 Months

Out of these ashes...

Beauty will rise

"Shattered dreams are never random.
They are always a piece in a larger puzzle,
a chapter in a larger story." -Larry Crabb

My little girl

10 months ago

*You entered our world

*It was your birthday

* I saw you and held you

*You lay in the arms of your family

*We said hello and goodbye

*Heaven became your home

*My heart broke and

*My world changed

I lost my little girl

 

"The Lord watch between me and thee

while we are absent one from another."

Gen 31:49

My New Normal

27/01/11 - The day after I came out of hospital -  
                 How was I going do 'normal everyday life' when I felt far from 'normal'?

                   
I was learning to live in the world again,
People more comfortable around me.
My voice, my words, lost their gloom,
I held back the pain of my loss.

What are people going to do with me now?
Again my heart is battered and bruised.
Scars that have not yet healed, reopen -
Releasing tears, sadness and pain.

What do I say? How do I act?
How long will the awkwardness stay?
Nine months, another loss, a total of three,
What will they to do with me now?

My reality is heartache and loss,
Deep pain - old mixed with new.
In a world uncomfortable with sadness and grief,
How do I fit in it now?

"Words failed me. At times I was utterly speechless - everything was meaningless. I felt separation from the cares of this world, a sort of detachment. They no longer held me or interested me. I had looked death in the face, what else was important? People wanted to talk about everyday things, shopping, travel. How could I relate when we were in completely different worlds? I didn't feel a part of their world. My baby had died and nothing else mattered."

Grief and Grace - Amanda Axelby

Three Months!

24th January 2011 - the day of the 12 week ultrasound for our new baby
                                who was due 04/08/11.

The time has finally come at last -
To share our joyful news.
To see pictures of our little one...
Proof of health, life and hope.

We know that news isn't always good,
The first look revealed the first sign -
No....  something is horribly wrong!
"Sorry, no heart beat can be found."

No!! Not again, not like before!
All joy and anticipation vanish.
Heaven claims another child I wanted with me.
Why did it have to go wrong?

Yesterday I was pregnant and expecting good news -
Today - no baby, no due date, it's finished.
From joyful expectation to sadness and grief.
What do I say and do now?

I will share my sad news, let my baby be known,
A child of mine, wanted and loved.
Not seen or known by anyone in this world,
But known and loved in heaven above.

You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say,
"Lord, blessed be Your Name."
                                     (M Redman)

Until we meet again little one...

Love always xxx

Another Loss

In  loving memory of our 5th baby.

Lost at 12 weeks.

~ January 25, 2011~

At Mullaloo Beach



".... in the midst of life's shattering moments

the Holy Spirit can bring us stability

in the presence of the One who alone is able to

calm our fears and address our questions with Himself

 - the ultimate and only adequate Answer."

Blessed Be Your Name - Matt & Beth Redman

The Bubble Breaks

And when the darkness closes in, Lord,

Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord,

Blessed be Your glorious Name.

 M&B Redman 2002

The Reality of Grief with the Hope of Glory...

"At some time, we will go through overwhelming and staggering events that will seem to shatter our life's horizon. These events come like lightning bolts - unpredictable and blinding - only to be inescapably followed by rolling thunder of whatever aftermath the unwelcome eventuality brings." Blessed be Your Name - M&B Redman

April 28th... the bubble breaks.
The blanket of shock that had enfolded me for the 2 weeks since Charlotte's birth, that had allowed me to prepare for and walk through the day of the funeral - was suddenly ripped away.
The full force of grief assailed me - the extent of it was unexpected, the intensity - profound. My heart felt physically torn, I was overwhelmed with sorrow.

I have two distinct memories of that day-
I remember sitting on the lower part of our staircase, looking through the window, waiting and willing for Grant to return home from our neighbours house. I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. While I was waiting, I received a message from a friend who asked me how I was doing. I remember telling her about the pain, how the intensity of it had unexpectedly increased.

This day was unexpected, yet understandable. Until this day, I had not realised that I had been living in shock. I had wondered how I had managed to get through those two weeks, now I understood.
Shock had been a blessing from God, an anaesthetic to help me get through the unspeakable trauma of losing and burying a child. Now, I was free to grieve and let the grief wash over me like a giant wave. I grieved the loss of a baby daughter, a future with her, having her as part of our family, holding her, watching her grow, knowing her...

The 28th was an unwelcomed day... but necessary... part of the journey.

 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you...

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned."
Isaiah 43:2

Nine Months in Glory

14th April 2010 - 14th January 2011

Time will not erase our love

Or diminish our memory of you.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things on earth will grow strangely dim

In the light of His glory and grace.

~Helen Lemmel~



Your First Christmas

Charlotte's in her
Heavenly home,
Rejoicing forever
In her
Saviour's birth. Giving
Timeless, everlasting praise to the
Messiah - with
Angels singing to
Son of the Living God



Our Rememberance Table



I believe in the sun

Even when its not shining.

I believe in love

Even when I feel it not.

I believe in God

Even when He is silent.

Written by a Nazi concentration camp prisoner

I believe Charlotte is alive

Even though she wasn't breathing.

I believe she is filled with unimaginable joy

Even though I am not with her.

I believe I will see her again

Even though she lay quiet and still.