Day 30 - Change

One of life's most defining moments - the loss of a child, how can you not be changed?

Many times I have wondered where 'I' have gone??
My loss... has tilted the axis of my heart, allowing me to see the world from a slightly different angle. Those things that were invisible or unclear to me, have now come into focus. People... life... suffering... joy... grief. What can I do? How can I help? This clarity brings responsibility. I want to change because of them. Their lives were impacting.

They have made love richer, relationships important, heaven even more real, appreciation and thankfulness deeper and our love for God stronger.

My babies... I will be forever grateful for the gift of you and the difference you have made.

Oh how I love them...

 

 

 

Day 29 - Healing...

A baby to hold and a balm to my heart...

 

LEAH

 

A letter written to Charlotte - April 2012, shortly after the birth of Leah

 ~A heart torn between blessing and loss~ 

My darling girl, my pen is not dry, my heart has not forgotten and my mind has not finished with your story. 
An earthly glimpse reveals your new little sister - you now have 2 brothers and 3 sisters - one that is by your side throughout all eternity.
You will always be our 4th born child, our second daughter, forever etched into our family regardless of your address.
For the 9 months that your sister grew, I wrestled with carrying life and the loss of you. You, my sweet baby who never cried, I miss not having life with you.
The birth of your sister, a God-given gift brought a wail from my soul - one of thankfulness and sadness, as two worlds collided - life and loss.
I see you in her. Your face, your hands... I call her Charlotte, only to abruptly remember that she is not. My mind is confused as if someone is playing a trick on me.
All my children, a gift from God, meant to be, none replacing the other, each created for God's own purpose and glory. All loved, all wanted, all eternal.
My girl, my heart will always be scarred with the loss of you and filled with love for you.
Forever your Mummy xxx

Day 28 - A Special Place to Remember ~ Charlotte

A special place....

My heart's the place that holds her.

From my heart...
I desired her... I loved her... I prayed for her... I wanted her...

It was my heart that broke with the loss of her.

And it is with all my heart that I will forever love and remember my precious little girl.

Together we remember Charlotte at the place where we feel closest to her - her resting place. 
Peaceful... and full of natural beauty.

And at the beach near by, as the sun sets... we remember... 

Day 27 - Signs

27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?


Yes, I believe in life eternal, in heaven and in the One who created us.

I believe that I will be reunited with my babies one day...

While I wait... I imagine them dancing in the courts of heaven, singing with the angels, laughing and playing with each other and their friends. I imagine them surrounded by beauty and filled with love, joy, freedom and contentment, alive and well, whole and healed.

I imagine what I believe to be true.

I love watching the sun set over the ocean, thinking about my babies lost. Not long ago, as we were watching the last of the sun's rays pierce through the clouds, I turned to my children and said, "Look, the doors of heaven!"

"I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23

The door of heaven!

This heart-shaped cloud appeared in the sky after Charlotte's Memorial Service.
I felt His love for me in that moment.

Day 25 - The Baby Loss Community

This community brings:

Understanding through personal experience
Heartfelt empathy
A listening ear
Compassion
Love
Support
Companionship
Wisdom to navigate the path of grief
An outlet, an audience
Truth and honesty
Realness - no masks here
Respect for each other

I am so grateful for this community -
It is a privilege to walk the journey along side you...

Day 25 - 'SAY IT OUT LOUD'

#SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?

Life is a journey that we travel through together, in relationship with each other. We travel with family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, teams, groups, congregations, authorities, employees... we are surrounded by people on our journey through life.
 
So then... why are the hardest times in life often the loneliest? Why is grief so isolating, so desolate?
 
Everyone hurts. At some stage, everyone will experience loss and grief. So why can't we (myself included) travel this part of life's journey together, in relationship with each other?
 
So I would like to 'SAY OUT LOUD' - that it's time to change the way we respond to people in grief and in pain. We all have the power to choose how we are going to respond.* It's time to stop hiding in fear of not knowing what to say of do. It's time to acknowledge 'them' despite how uncomfortable we may feel. It's time that we offered ourselves and our time, even though a lot of the time may be spent in silence.
 
Let's enter into each other's pain. Let's walk the journey of life together as we were intended to do. Let's support each other. Let's take the good with the bad, the joy and the grief, the ugly and the beautiful. That's what life is about...

 


Doing Life Together...

'When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.'    Henri Nouwen - Grief and Grace by Amanda Axelby

(*) The Shaming of the Strong - Sarah Williams

Day 24 - Artwork

 

 

Everyday

I miss you

I think about you

I remember the day you were born.

I recall the uncertain days leading up to your birth

and the painful days afterwards.

I look at the tiny clothes you wore

spread out next to my bed.

I look at the photo I keep on the fridge

of you in my arms.

I write about our journey together on my blog.

I talk about you regularly.

I feel lost without you here with me, it is unnatural.

I do the things that need to be done

even though my heart is hurting.

For 11 weeks and 2 days

I've missed you

Everyday

 

 

I wrote 'Everyday' on Charlotte's due date.

My writing is my artwork, my way of creatively expressing my grief.

 

 

My brother drew this picture of a 'Charlotte' rose for the front cover of

Charlotte's memorial booklet.